Back in 2016, I wrote a letter to my daughters. It was just after the Orlando nightclub shooting. I built on it, yesterday and today. You don’t realize how big a piece being afraid is part of parenthood. Fear is a piece of our human experience and the way it can drive behaviors is amazing in so many ways. Yet, as a mother, being afraid and carrying worry for my children is an interesting experience.
Raising children comes with love that fills you up and endless moments of joy. It honestly is the best thing I could think to use my one and only life for. However, parenthood is also fraught with daunting responsibilities. There are times in life– like grieving another mass shooting or navigating a global pandemic– that you feel very uncertain being in charge of things. How can we not be unsure some days? We’ve been charged with preventing and delaying the one certainty that we all share in common: death. The weight of it is frightening some days and mysteriously forgotten others.
Anyway, in a time that’s uncertain and frightening, I thought this was a good place to revisit as our nerves are a little frayed from empty shelves, unknowns, and ever shifting facts on a virus that didn’t exist a few months ago. The universal sense of unease as routines are abandoned, as traditions are disrupted, and our community is asked to keep its distance is palpable.
All we can do, like many challenges in this life, is take things one moment at a time:
Dear girls,
Here is the thing. A scary, but honest thing: I can not keep you safe from life.
Life is a place where both good and bad things happen. Yours will be filled with wonderful moments and terribly awful ones as well. That is the gig of being human.
Every day since you take a breath in this world, I have worried. Every. Single. Day. I find myself worrying about the bad bits in life. About which ones will find you.
Some will be a choice. You could cross the street without looking both ways. Swim by yourself and drown alone. Make it to you are as tall as me, but drink too much and try to drive home. Overdose because you chose to try drugs and find you just can not stop. You may decide to take something that does not belong to you. Or instead of trying and accepting you might fail– you could choose to cheat. You may love someone who, at the end of the day, is not right for you. Worse, you could choose to stay with them and live a half life. Each and every time you make a decision in life there will be consequences. Sadly, some of the worst moments of your life will come with them. Yet, also, my dear girls, some of the best things will grown out of the ashes.
Some will not be entirely in your control. There are natural disasters that could impact you: hurricane, tornado, earthquake, flood. Some disease-I-won’t-be-able-to-pronounce might riddle your body. Your genetic make up might lead to a struggle with mental illness. Mauled by an animal. (Listen, shark attacks happen.) Sucked away in a rip tide. A car accident that no one saw coming. A fire that burned while you slept. Honestly, I can keep going, but I think you get the point.
Sometimes you will be victimized. You’ll be an unfortunate part of someone else’s decisions. Someone will demean you and call you a names. Cruel words or the punchline of a joke on social media. You could be mugged, kidnapped, shot, stabbed, raped, or assaulted. Your home might be violated. Your finances stolen. Your life threatened or taken by another person. Someone else could intercede your life and spread pain indiscriminately with no regard for your sovereignty as a fellow human being.
Honestly, in life, there are so many stories of other people’s tragedy that resonate deeply as preventable, but relate-able moments that change whole trajectories of lives. This is what has us, I think, in its grips right now.
As you becomes an adult, you have an encyclopedia of costly mistakes that ended life. Mistakes none of us are entirely above and therefore they are truly tragic, grief filled. You could be forgotten in a hot car. Left alone, unattended, by human error in daycare or a bus. Walk outside in pajamas while we sleep and freeze in the winter cold. You could get away from me for a split second and climb into a Gorilla enclosure at the zoo. You could go wading on vacation and be snatched away by an alligator. You could decide to hide in old trunk and not be found before your air runs out. You might eat a slice of cake that was made with peanut oil and have a fatal reaction at a rehearsal dinner. Have a play date with a friend, find a firearm, and never come home again. One day you might be shot in your classroom because someone was broken enough to carry out such an act. Your skin color, your choice of gender, and/or who you love could lead to persecution. You could grow up on me only to die in a club in Orlando dancing with your friends because someone decided that night to shoot an entire room full of strangers. These are the things you’ll see us try to mitigate as your adults again and again.
This list is endless girls. I can go on and on with pages of worrisome things and terrible twists. All because bad things can happen to good people. Sometimes you are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes life is terribly frightening and sad. No matter what I do as a parent– you will have this in your own life. We all have bad things.
I worry about this world I brought you into. Did I do a terrible thing by bringing you into such a volatile and ever changing place? I worry about which of these multitude of things might is going to find you.
Now, we get to add another player to this list. Today, we are sitting collectively, looking at a world filled with concern over a microscopic problem that is ending lives and causing terrible choices in the world. Today, the new bad thing that might happen is this: You could simply touch a door handle, or breath the wrong air droplet, and contract a virus that we haven’t experienced before. We are spreading it to once another exponentially. Because this is new in many ways and old in others– information seems to change daily and plans to curb the spread evolve hour by hour. This does not leave any human with a warm and fuzzy, soothing feeling filling their insides. Especially with the unease of things we have taken for granted suddenly can’t be: bottled water, toilet paper, and tools to sanitize the things we touch.
Okay.
Girls, these things in the world are frightening. No school, no playdates, no work in offices, and bare shelves is eerie and a hallmark of danger lurking. Yes, dear children, the virus that is interrupting life is unsettling. We might feel unsure of what to do. We might forget how to breathe. We might forget that we belong to each other — especially when the advice is to be distant.
Yet, when you don’t know the whole answer to something– like a new, unprecedented virus– or are unsure what the hell to do– the best thing to do it to start with what you do know:
- I will love you through all of it. Whether I’m around to see it or not– my love for you is infallible. You will not understand the depths of it until you become a parent. You are loved from your first day to your last inherently with a fierceness and purity that will withstand it all. Every day, good or bad, you are loved.
- You have the power to make good choices. Despite what the world says or does– you always have the ability to choose who you are going to be. Crisis means you get to sift through all the ways you can react and pick how you will handle it. No good choices can be made if its mired in fear or in shame. Your ability to choose is a mighty gift. Don’t neglect it.
- Wisdom often comes from mistakes. We just talked about good choices, but sometimes you will make a bad one. The hot flames of shame, regret, and mistakes are awful, but they burn away a lot of bullshit. Apologize when you need to. A real apology, girls. You say a person’s name, you look them in the eye, you state your mistake, and how you’ll try to do better. If you find you made a choice that wasn’t good, well, the world will most likely give you another chance to rise to the occasion. Darlings, you can choose another, wiser way to handle your reaction and its important to do so when you know better. Life is too short, fragile, and fraught to keep repeating things that break your spirit and your heart.
- You do not have to believe anyone else’s definition of your story. People will assign you adjectives (nice girl, total bitch, scatterbrain, lesbian, slut, pushover, liar, piece of ass). Honestly, you might or might not be those things, but those adjectives are simply not all of you. Don’t get hung up on labels. Just like you will change and grow through life– so will all the tiny boxes other people try to stick you in.
- Do your best. That will be different each time it is asked of you. You can’t do more than that.
- When your are overwhelmed: Solve one problem at a time. One minute at a time. Eventually enough solutions and time will pass and you’ll be out of the weeds.
- Regardless of how we try to divide ourselves, we are in this together. As such, some things are just human and universal. Some of us are still fighting for very basic things. Your gender, who you love, your skin color, where you find God– those are the things that make us interesting and diverse. These are not the things that determines your rights, your abilities, or your value as a person.
- You will not feel the same about some things as other people. You can disagree, you can have enemies, you can fight for things you believe in, but darlings, you have to afford the same privilege to those on the other side of the fence. Listening to those views that you oppose will result in either understanding or further conviction.
- There is something bigger than us in life. People have come up with stories and names (God, Spirit, Mother Earth, etc.) for it since we discerned the ability to communicate experiences to one another. There are so many lives busy living in this world these days that it is hard to find it in the din. There is something there. You will have to find the place where you feel it. It may be church, a mosque or a temple. It may be sitting in the trees. You might meditate and hear a voice that speaks to you. You might have the sight to see a world beyond this one. Whatever we put out in the world, it builds on. Put out your very best, be the good, share your love, whisper it your deepest wish… and the universe will answer. Not always immediately or in the way you think, but it answers. When you realize it, you’ll be humbled and amazed.
- Both good and bad things will happen in life. You can not escape this eventuality. Each experience is an opportunity. Learn from it all.
- As utterly frightening as it is, the one universal truth besides the fact you are loved is that your life will end. Your job in life is not to prevent death itself, but to live meaningfully while you can. Mary Oliver said it best, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Take care of yourself, be a person who is at your core decent even if the world is not always, and remember we belong to each other. That means even the toxic, the more fortunate, and those that have less. You can always take care in your decisions and be kind.
These are the few things I think are true. My wisdom from my own pile of mistakes, kindness, wonder, and tragedy. Yet, it is also not original, but thoughts of others you’ll find echoed, I hope, in a lot of places.
It is okay to be afraid and cautious. It is okay to take a problem seriously because of the danger. It is okay to not know what to do– as long as you, dear girls, do one small, right thing at a time. At this moment, the world is filled with anxious hearts and racing minds which leads to a a lot of decisions made with fearful worries. You might be tempted to do that too. Our brains and social memories often have us copy what others are doing when we are unsure of how to proceed– hence the toilet paper shortage of March 2020. Before you do anything when you are anxious, remind yourself that the world is only half terrible*, you are loved and you can spare kindness always.
When you don’t know exactly what to do, you simply start with what you do know. It will take you all the way home.
Much love,
Mom
So, what do with do with a novel virus, that has us unsure of the state of the world? We start with what we do know. This is not a zombie apocalypse. While very serious and measures need to be taken– there is enough dry goods and toilet paper for us all to have some. We made the scarcity because we’re afraid. Start taking care of each other. Make sure your circle has enough. If we all take care of ourselves reasonably, they’ll be enough for all of us.
Kids deserve to be educated about the situation and how germs can live on surfaces, spread my touching your face, and this is why not congregating en mass, washing your hands, and being mindful of how we impact others is important. It is also important to explain, viruses can die out with time and space which is why we are taking time and space apart. We are important tools in keeping one another safe.
If you are a co-parent– let me tell you– having your child pass from one household to another during this time is a tough pill to swallow. That’s the struggle we’re in here. You aren’t alone in being nervous and cautious, but if we lose that routine and connection because of a practice labeled, “social distancing” that’s a fear based decision that is the most unfair to a child who loves both parents and deserves to be cared for as always by both parents. That’s always the truth– even in unprecedented times. To do otherwise is take a serious situation and use it as a powerful excuse to make a decision that will not be life saving, but life deterring. Video conference parenting time is a creative solution that solves the danger of germs. However, parenting is not akin to an the problem of coursework, paperwork, or dialing a friend to chat. It is actual face time, meals, and bonding. Routines like parenting time are not dangerous right now with currently virus free households, but essential to making the kids be well adjusted, whole, and learn about how differently we all problem solve and cope during this anxious time. Good decisions can’t be made to mitigate a deep seeded fear and twisting advice in this situation is just alienation right now. This is how we can understand with kindness and compassion, but still stand in disagreement on the other side of the fence. We will hope and put out tiny wishes to the universe until next week.
We can’t congregate. We might be short on some supplies. We might be sick. We might be on the front lines. Yet, in this novel situation for a novel problem, make sure we keep some things routine. Fellowship and community is not lost. We just have to be creative about how we commune for a while. We can read and talk and learn and work. Its different, but it will change to what we know more familiarly with some time, patience, and love.
In the hard times, hope for the best. We can do what we can to make the world a safer, nicer, kinder place. For instance, we can share the toilet paper and support those struggling with lost wages and business the safest ways we can. We can love each other. We can take a moment to grieve the changes when we feel lost. We can hope– It is worth saying hope twice. We can be these these things the world needs. We can whisper these good things to the universe and see if we can heard above the din of everyday living.
One day at time. Together. Until we make it all the way home.
(Inspiration from Maggie Smith’s poem “Good Bones,” Glennon Doyle’s book “Love Warrior” and so much Mary Oliver poetry.)
Love, Mom 