Boxes

Father’s Day.

Well, fuck. For some of us its a complicated day.

It shouldn’t be. It should be simple. Kids just should have as much love as they need. Even if it means that the role of father is filled by several people.

My oldest has a Dad. He gave her life. Without him we wouldn’t have the wonder she is in the world.

Yet, as well as being the DNA link that made my first born many things, he is also:

My Ex-Husband.

An addict who had been drug free for a good stretch of time. We have concerns he might not be sober now.

Absent on and off for long stretches of her life.

He is verbally and emotionally abusive at times.

Inconsistent.

Possibly struggling with some mental health issues that don’t allow his brain to process things in a healthy way causing lots of things on the above list.

So, every since M was little, we always talked about fatherhood as a role. She just had a lot of people around to fill it. Her grandparents, especially my Dad, myself, my aunts and uncles, my siblings, and then there’s the guy who chose to raise her.

MY Ex is in the middle of his second divorce, he’s in the middle of his life on fire again from gambling, from lies, from things I am not privy too. There’s criminal charge and there’s his divorce happening.

He’s seen our daughter once since her birthday in February. She lost the family unit we made so many changes to accommodate and that she never wanted to make. She’s still trying to figure out what those ties will hold together.

Today, he asked for her time. Then never showed up. He said he was sick.

I made her leave things for him.

Ten years after I cut ties, I’m still stuck with being honest, keeping her safe, and being hopeful.

She was made for life. With the Dad she got. With all the ways the Dad Things are filled. And with the one she doesn’t always likes, but I think loves under it all, because no matter how hard she pushes his away or how hard it is for them to work things out some days– he never is absence. I hope in the end it’ll matter.

I’m still figuring out how to parent this one.

But for all the hearts that have a hard time Father’s Day, we’re here with you in the complications too. Love is love is love– sometimes not being able to fit into a box is a gift too.